Five word story

Long ago, the best soccer player ever, Bobo, attempted to convert a penalty, but missed. Therefore, he struggled to kick a ball filled with weights and fell on his a**, but managed to get up and run fifty straight marathons, and then passed out. He awoke eating large amounts of jeggings. He then became piss drunk off with Vitameatavegamin from Lucy Ricardo. Then he fell off of his chair and cracked his eyeball. Therefore, he's now hospitalized with large tubes in his fingers. When he awoke, he ate the soot in the dump that burned after the apocalypse happened in 2012, which happened on Dec. 20 (just kidding, December 21), and many trees attacked USNW with battleaxes. USNW refused to die, but Straw Pirates came and attacked, which meant people died for being alive. It was later known that they were alive, but died. Now, the main character's named Mr. Monkey, he ate lice of hair and pooped perfumed butterflies, patterned with colorful shapes, and which flew all over his cardboard box which is his hat, but it's soggy and plagued with lice and rats, that it killed hundreds of gangster mafia in Liberty City, causing mass havoc in the Chinese part of town, which is filled with lots of Chinese and some Triads gang members who blew up the HQ in Callahan Point where Leones ate the President of Karasem. They then went into their territory and seized Earth and Adonia, ending this. Starting next morning, Mr. 0 drove to his cardbox home where he met Mr. Monkey from Vice Admiral Garp's ship which had a Seattle Flounder aboard. Mr. 0 then got off from the smaller moon of Mars, to the Sky Island Bilka, where he was attacked by a man-eating manniquin that had restored Oksaine's independence, when Bilka was destroyed by sky rabbits, who then brutally attacked a human in a big rabbit fur overgown, which the King of Grand disliked because he was dead anyways, but he revived & murdered the rabbits, then other rabbits killed humans who didn't all die today. But the humans will die, and the bunnies replaced them, but the AIN Killerroaches arrived at Bilka and killed Bilkans, and then they spat at whoever & whatever was in the box of chocolates. Turns out a jack in the box...